Be Good To You

justfoodI’m not the average girl from your video
And I ain’t built like a supermodel
But I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen

~India.Arie

It’s been a hard journey for me the past couple of years, but I think I’m finally headed in the right direction.  But before I go any further, I want to give a HUGE shout-out to my amazing friend, Kari…who watched a few of my stories on Instagram back in the summer and sent me directly to a few podcasts and links…and that has been helped me out immensely…especially during this time of year.

Through Kari, I discovered Rebecca Scritchfield, RDN, a registered dietitian nutritionist, well-being coach, and a certified health and fitness specialist.  And from Scritchfield…I have discovered the practice of Body Kindness.

Over the summer and through the fall, I have done my best to put the practices of spiraling up and self-compassion to work.  And I’ve made leaps and bounds in this regard.  I’m proud of myself.  After two years of consistent injuries that, basically, kept me from really being active, I put on a good 15 to 20 pounds.  And those pounds weren’t from eating a poor diet…not at all.  My food choices go up on Instagram on a daily basis and I keep nothing from it.  But the lack of exercise brought about a good amount of stress…which brought about bouts of binge eating/stress eating.  Every.  Day.  To the point that certain foods in the apartment had to be hidden in my roommate’s room just to ensure that I wouldn’t devour them one morning when I was the only one awake and stressing out over something that I really coudn’t fix at that moment or at all.  I felt uncomfortable in my skin, and while I was still at what would be considered a healthy weight for my size…I was SO mad at myself for letting myself get like this.  I was angry every time I would get on the scale and see the number.  I was so certain that, when I was cleared to run, the weight would slow me down.

Over those months, I did get back to running…and the weight stayed on.  No big deal.  I’m not someone who runs to burn calories.  I’ve never been someone who tries to compensate food intake for exercise and burning off calories.  I don’t do calculations in my head or add on miles or hit the gym a little harder.  That’s not me.  That’s never been me.  So, in that respect, I already was grasping the overarching concept of Body Kindness.

But what really makes it challenging for someone like me…is seeing perfectly healthy people who are in the same boat as me…jump into a program like Weight Watchers to drop weight by a certain date.  Hell, I was told to look into Weight Watchers…and I’m at a healthy weight…just not a happy weight (to me).  And at the same time, I had a friend who went to the extreme side of the spectrum and wasn’t eating and was over-exercising and was down to just skin and bones…and it was scary.  And it was perspective.  And thankfully, she is getting help and will hopefully get stronger physically and mentally through her recovery program.  But it was a lot of stress and anguish because…I love my friends deeply and when they go through shit…I go through shit with them.  And I was thankful that I had been introduced to this concept of Body Kindness and Intuitive Eating…because that could have spiraled out of control quickly.  And that’s not to say that the stress and those triggers didn’t get to me…but the way I dealt with it changed.

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Enter…the holidays.

I work in an office packed with women.  And the holidays are made for feasting and treats and parties and drinks and…the inevitable conversations happen at the water cooler…

“I ate one of those donuts today…I am so bad.”

“I’m being SO bad!” *said while balancing a plate with a cinnamon roll on it*

*At holiday pitch-in* “I had lost weight, but I’ve been so bad today and I know I put it all back on!”

“Look at all this bad food.  Brownies, cookies, cakes…”

“Well, this has fruit in it, so that’s good, right?”

“All that food in there…I really need to go back to dieting tomorrow.”

“I feel so guilty…I had dessert after eating my holiday meal.”

I wish I could say I was joking.  But, sadly, I’m not.  With the advent of the holidays comes the inevitable around the New Year…the resolutions.

But it’s not just the, “I’m going to eat better and workout more,” mentality anymore.  Nope.  Now we have detoxes and juice cleanses and diet pills and fasting and keto and paleo and Whole 30…or meals that are just snacks and not providing you with the nutrition your body really needs to function.  But let’s face it…diets don’t work.  They don’t.  If they did…there wouldn’t be multi-million dollar corporations built up around them.  I mean, think about it…the reason they exist is because people have to keep going back to them.  Mind…blown!

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Diets and “quick fixes” are everywhere.  But are they really that “good” for you?  Diets, cleanses, detoxes…what they advocate is a huge calorie deficit.  Most people don’t even hit the “standard” (and still low, especially if you’re active) 1200 a day.  If you’re active…you HAVE to eat more.  And I’ve had it out with people before regarding calories in vs. calories out…and I was told that I wasn’t losing weight because I was eating more than 1200 calories a day.  Yeah…I also ran 10 miles and need to put nutrition back into my body!  But the way it was done made it seem like I was in the wrong because I refused to be super restrictive.  When I am training for an endurance race, I make sure my body is fed properly after any hard effort.  It’s how it recovers faster and gets stronger.  Diets, detoxes, and juice cleanses…yeah…you lose weight.  You lose water weight.  You lose fat.  But you also start losing muscle mass.  And I’m a runner.  I don’t want to lose muscle.  Muscle is what helps this body move faster, get stronger, and hopefully…not get injured as often.  No matter what the person who created this meal plan and ran this group said to me…I wasn’t going to waiver on the type of nutrition that I needed to do the activities that I am doing.  BUT…she did this in a public forum and made me feel like a failure or that I was doing everything wrong.

I’ve witnessed first hand the effects of starving the body of nutrition and recovery…watching someone I really care for waste away from over exercising and under fueling.  If she did eat, she’d figure up how many hot yoga classes she’d need to do or how many extra miles she would need to run simply to negate the meager amount of food she did give her body.  Not fueling enough does horrible things to your body.  Especially when you’re active.  But even those of us who aren’t runners or cyclists or gym rats…your body needs fuel regardless and when you’re operating on an empty tank…it turns to other means to get the energy it means to function.  Fat…and then muscle.  And, guess what…the heart is a muscle and eventually, that’s going to stop working properly too.

I am the first to admit that I do get triggered by certain aspects of the diet culture.  Even today, as I’m comfortably settling into the idea of Body Kindness.  I literally want to throw things when someone makes a reference to their paleo/keto dessert.  Or the person who went vegan to lose weight and was disappointed when they didn’t.  Or the diet pills someone is taking because it helps make them less hungry during the day.  Or those “progress” pics that people put up that pretty much shame everyone who has put on even a pound because we’re not standing there in a sports bra with a smaller tummy or abs of steel.  Or when people eat a handful of almonds and call it lunch.  Or when someone says that they need to go to the gym because of what they ate the day before.  The words “juice cleanse,” “cleanse,” “detox,” and “diet”…they all set off alarm bells in my head.  Because, this “healthy” person is doing all this on Instagram…shouldn’t I too.  And maybe if I did…I could be that skinny and strong and…whatever.

But…I’m not that person.  And it took me the better part of the year to get to this point.  And to say that none of this triggers me at any point would be a lie.  I’m a perfectionist in my own right, and not feeling perfectly healthy or perfectly athletic has been challenging.  But…here’s my takeaway…

Four years ago…and 20 pounds lighter, I ran a race on Thanksgiving that I run every year.  I was at the peak of my running and the fittest I had ever felt.  And I ran 5 miles in 36:52.  I never cracked it since 2013…sometimes that race having me around 38 minutes.  This year…with 2 years of hip injuries and 15-20 pounds more on me…I ran comfortably for the entire race, never feeling like I was pushing myself to go faster and I finished…in 36:36.  I wasn’t dieting or fighting the scale.  I was giving myself permission to eat better, more, and what my body needed as I was also in the midst of a marathon build-up too.  So…lighter doesn’t necessarily mean faster.  And faster doesn’t necessarily come because you follow a strict diet.  Hard work is what gets you there.

And trust me…there is nothing easy about learning to love yourself the way you are.  And there is nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself.  But, just for a moment, take a breath and forget about your clothing size and that number on a scale.  Forget about seeing yourself fitting in with the social norm.  That’s the great thing about being a human being.  We’re all different.  Perfectly imperfect.  And we don’t have to miss out on experiences and treats and foods because we’re told by society what is “good” and what is “bad.”

This journey hasn’t been easy and, yes…I still struggle.  Even today I struggle, especially with the “perfect squares” of those “perfect people” in social media.  I struggle when I hear someone say they are being bad when they are just taking part in a holiday part or pitch-in.  I hate hearing people tell me how much cardio they’re going to have to do the following day because they enjoyed a bit of dessert after their holiday meal.  Guess what…it’s okay to indulge…in life, in food, in activities.  It’s not okay to paralyze yourself and to stop living a full and happy life because of what the scale might tell you in the morning.  Your self worth is not built upon what you are eating and how much of it you are consuming.

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And I promise…it’s impossible to gain 3 pounds in one day…and it’s water weight…and it too shall pass.

So…how about this holiday season we share a bit of kindness with others, but also take a moment to spare some of that kindness for ourselves.  Don’t stress the small things.  Don’t miss out on something due to social stigmas and labels.  Enjoy every moment and every bite and every bit of movement you manage that day, that week, that month.

Magic happens when we are not just compassionate, but also self-compassionate.  So take a deep breath, and enjoy the foods and activities and moments that come with the season.  It will lower your stress…it will brighten your mood…and in the end…you’ll feel better.

Here’s what I have gained since turning my back on the diet culture…late night sushi runs with friends…wine tastings with friends…dinner parties with friends…game nights, brunches, dinners, new ethnic food outings, movie nights, fun runs, vacation planning with friends, so many more invites…so much more quality time with people…bonding…laughing…joy.  My life gained so much joy and shed so much unhappiness and stress and feeling self-conscious and unworthy.  What I was gaining was way more important than what I had been trying to lose.

I really started living and being and enjoying the little things as well as the big things.  There are always bumps and setbacks.  I’m not 100% yet.  But I’m clearing a path and have gained so much mental health in the process that it’s really become physical heath as well.  I’m not saying I don’t stress and cry and feel upset and out of control and lost…I do.  But I have outlets and I have people who carry me through it and lift me up and don’t make me feel like I’m failing at everything.  I’m a beautiful work in progress.

And that’s truly what makes the journey epic in the end.

Be happy.  Life life.  Do epic shit.  Be full.  And be well.

thereitis

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CTRL + ALT + DEL: Start Fresh

UGH!  I have started three blogs in the past couple of weeks, which I have since gone and deleted because they were no longer relevant.  MEH!!  Kinda sucks when you put some hard work into starting something and just don’t have the time or energy to get back to it.

Welcome to my life as of late…

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I’m trying desperately to reach a bigger audience both here on my blog and on my most frequented form of social media…Instagram.  Really, I am an athlete that deals, daily, with Celiac Disease…and I’m working really hard on branching out on the blog…maybe in podcast form…and on Instagram to cover some of the trials and tribulations of this.

But I need more help.  So, if you could help me out a little…directing people to my blog and my Instagram (and if you aren’t following me…please…give me a little click and follow along)…I will love you forever!

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Okay…so let’s do some quick catching up, shall we?  What in the world have I been up to since…October 20th, when I blogged about setting and reaching goals?  Well…a LOT!

First of all, the great apartment repaint, reorganize, and redecorate has commenced.  The two bathrooms, the kitchen, and HALF of the living room are DONE!  As far as painting goes.  The decorating is taking a bit more time, because I’m totally OCD and need to measure everything I hang up to make sure it’s centered and perfect on the wall.  But…progress!

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I am not a fan of painting.  It is tedious and tiring work…but I love the way the apartment is starting to look.  After eight years of living there, the apartment definitely needed a touch-up.  And being able to finally redo some of the wall hangings has been a nice change too.

For the 4th (I think this was the 4th year) year in a row,  my roommate (Cathy), her sister (Amanda) and I went to the Jack-O-Lantern Spectacular at Iroquois Park in Louisville, KY!  We always make a night of out this, starting with dinner (we got sushi – mine was vegan), a hot beverage (usually apple cider or tea) from Highland Coffee, and then, Mr. G’s Kettle Corn while we stand in line to walk the half mile path and gaze in awe at all the amazing pumpkins. Seriously…this was AMAZING.  It always is, but the theme this year was A to Z and they did a fantastic job with all the pumpkins.

On October 26, I went to the University of Louisville Comstock Hall and got to listen to the iconic Kathrine Switzer speak.  She was so empowering and totally made me want to do ALL THE THINGS.  I was just so wrapped up in her talk about her life and how she got into running and how the Boston Marathon incident came around and WHY this was so life changing.  I was hoping there would be a photo-op afterwards, and there was.  I had brought my Disney Wine & Dine bib, Bib #261, which I received in 2014, just after I met her at the NYC Marathon Expo the year I ran it.  I told her the story and she was just so freakin excited.  She even got a picture of the two of us with our 261 bibs on her iPhone.

She signed my bib “Karen – You are awesome and fearless.”  I thought I was lucky to have met in her NYC 3 years ago…but I just got to meet her again…AND had a fun story to tell her.  She might be my new running BFF.  If nothing else, she is someone who has always and will always inspire me.  After going to her talk, I just wanted to make SO many changes in my life…seek out things that really make me happy…

HENCE…wanting to do more with my blog and social media.  So…again…if you could give a like and follow here and on Instagram…and tell your friends…let’s do this thing.

Dreams need to come true!

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And I’ve been dreaming about this for a long time.  And so often stuff just gets crazy and things I enjoy…like blogging, writing, cooking, eating, running, etc…sort of get pushed to the background.  NOT THIS TIME!

In addition to this…I’ve been enjoying watching Louisville City FC climb the ladder to reach the Eastern Conference Finals for the THIRD TIME in as many seasons as they have been around.  YAY!

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Granted…last week I was pretty much frozen and the boys didn’t score until after Half Time.  I had been hoping to keep warm by constantly jumping out of my seat.  That being said…this is always as far as we get in the finals.  And I want us to go on to the championship…and WIN IT!  And the weather this Saturday looks to be warmer and much more enjoyable than LAST Saturday.  I even stayed up late to drink hot tea to thaw out afterwards it was that cold.  But the win was worth it.

Here’s to another one…if the soccer gods shine upon us!

Halloween came and went…in the blink of an eye.  I wasn’t scheduled to do a run on Tuesday, but I was heading to the gym for some strength training.  I dressed as Wonder Woman.  I think it inspired me to lift heavier and more.  But, damn…look at my arms these days!

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So, yeah…training is still happening.  I’ve cut back on cardio by a lot when it comes to time at the gym, usually hopping on a machine for 10 minutes to warm up and 10 minutes to cool down…and then I do one day of arms/abs and one day of legs/core.  My running has been progressing.  My hips hardly twinge at me unless the weather is cold or I sit too long.  So, the strength training is paying off (not just in giving me amazing muscles to flex).  I am currently using a run/walk method and hope to get back to a solid run in the very near future, but this is working and, honestly, hasn’t really slowed me down all that much with the short walk breaks in between efforts.  So…YAY!  And, thankfully, I have found one friend who is willing to train with me this way and doesn’t complain or mind.  WINNING!  Long runs are much more enjoyable with someone.  And someone who doesn’t mind the starts and stops in my current training method is even better.  There aren’t a lot of people who are willing to train that way or want to train that way.  So, I count myself lucky.

I have a few recipes that I will add to the blog this week…if not tonight/today.  I’ve been having a great time experimenting in my kitchen with all the winter squash and seasonal foods that are showing up in grocery stores.  I buy that stuff up like it’s going out of season.  And it’s not.  The season is just starting!  Grocery shopping is always an adventure when I decide to get all chefy and creative in the kitchen.

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That’s pretty much it for right now though.  Trying to really do better for myself and I am really trying to make some waves in the Celiac and running communities. So…watch this space.  Get others to watch this space.  And I post DAILY on Instagram, so, for one last plug…make sure you follow me over there.

Follow along with my progress…because there will be as many ups as downs, I’m sure.  But if there is one thing I have learned from all of this over the past couple of years…is that I am stronger than my situation.  And I learn and grow from every obstacle.  Grow with me!

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Sometimes You Just Need To Escape

Guess what!!??

As part of my self-care, self-esteem building, bettering-of-myself experiment that is an ongoing series of successes and (yes) failures…I’m expanding my mind and still attempting to squeeze in a bit of ME TIME, which feels almost impossible these days…but I work with what I have.

Therefore…I’m listening to music…

In fact, I was fortunate enough to attend the U2 show in Louisville, KY this past weekend.  And while it was hot and I wilted and melted until the sun went down, the show was amazing and I (as always) cried during Where The Streets Have No Name as well as Running To Stand Still.  U2 and I have been in a musical relationship since I was a child…and, while I have seen them numerous times in concert, this show was on my home turf and I wasn’t going to miss it.  I’m glad I went.

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Honestly, I needed that show.  I’ve sort of given up finding inspiration in music.  Why search for new music, when some of the best lyrics, some of the best songs, are in the old favorites?  I stand corrected!

I’ve also started diving back into some books.  In fact, I’m working on three at this very moment.  Yes…at the same time.

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So, what is on my reading list at the moment?  Well, at the encouragement of my sister, I am working through 13 Reasons Why, by Jay Asher, on my Kindle.

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I’m sure many of you are familiar with this book, but in case you’re not…here is the synopsis from Amazon.com:

You can’t stop the future. 
You can’t rewind the past.
The only way to learn the secret . . . is to press play.

Clay Jensen returns home from school to find a strange package with his name on it lying on his porch. Inside he discovers several cassette tapes recorded by Hannah Baker—his classmate and crush—who committed suicide two weeks earlier. Hannah’s voice tells him that there are thirteen reasons why she decided to end her life. Clay is one of them. If he listens, he’ll find out why.

Clay spends the night crisscrossing his town with Hannah as his guide. He becomes a firsthand witness to Hannah’s pain, and as he follows Hannah’s recorded words throughout his town, what he discovers changes his life forever.

At work, I often listen to podcasts these days, but there is still room for my beloved audio books.  It’s so easy to listen to a book while I do my work…so I can escape and still be productive.  Let’s here it for multitasking.  I am currently listening to Alexander Hamilton, by Ron Chernow, which is the very book that Lin-Manuel Miranda was reading when he was inspired to write the Broadway musical Hamilton.

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It’s fascinating and a nice escape for the first part of my day at work.  Once again, here is the synopsis from Amazon.com:

In the first full-length biography of Alexander Hamilton in decades, Ron Chernow tells the riveting story of a man who overcame all odds to shape, inspire, and scandalize the newborn America. According to historian Joseph Ellis, Alexander Hamilton is “a robust full-length portrait, in my view the best ever written, of the most brilliant, charismatic and dangerous founder of them all.”

Few figures in American history have been more hotly debated or more grossly misunderstood than Alexander Hamilton. Chernow’s biography gives Hamilton his due and sets the record straight, deftly illustrating that the political and economic greatness of today’s America is the result of Hamilton’s countless sacrifices to champion ideas that were often wildly disputed during his time. “To repudiate his legacy,” Chernow writes, “is, in many ways, to repudiate the modern world.” Chernow here recounts Hamilton’s turbulent life: an illegitimate, largely self-taught orphan from the Caribbean, he came out of nowhere to take America by storm, rising to become George Washington’s aide-de-camp in the Continental Army, coauthoring The Federalist Papers, founding the Bank of New York, leading the Federalist Party, and becoming the first Treasury Secretary of the United States.Historians have long told the story of America’s birth as the triumph of Jefferson’s democratic ideals over the aristocratic intentions of Hamilton. Chernow presents an entirely different man, whose legendary ambitions were motivated not merely by self-interest but by passionate patriotism and a stubborn will to build the foundations of American prosperity and power. His is a Hamilton far more human than we’ve encountered before—from his shame about his birth to his fiery aspirations, from his intimate relationships with childhood friends to his titanic feuds with Jefferson, Madison, Adams, Monroe, and Burr, and from his highly public affair with Maria Reynolds to his loving marriage to his loyal wife Eliza. And never before has there been a more vivid account of Hamilton’s famous and mysterious death in a duel with Aaron Burr in July of 1804.

Chernow’s biography is not just a portrait of Hamilton, but the story of America’s birth seen through its most central figure. At a critical time to look back to our roots, Alexander Hamilton will remind readers of the purpose of our institutions and our heritage as Americans.

And finally…at the encouragement of my amazing, inspiring, and brilliant friend, Melissa, I picked up a book this past weekend to read.  She said that it would really help me through the struggle-bus thought process I am currently working through.  So far, she’s right.  I haven’t gotten far, but I’m going to make a point to sit down and power through this book.  It’s called You Are A Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life, by Jen Sincero.

youareabadassIt’s very motivating, the bit that I have squeezed in to read.  And I find myself nodding and cheering for myself to get this excited about my life.  Maybe it will help.  I think it will.  I’ve already found SO many sentences that I can apply to my current struggles.  In case you’re confused…here is the synopsis from Amazon.com:

Bestselling author, speaker and world-traveling success coach, Jen Sincero, cuts through the din of the self-help genre with her own verbal meat cleaver in You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life. In this refreshingly blunt how-to guide, Sincero, serves up 27 bite-sized chapters full of hilariously inspiring stories, life-changing insights, easy exercises and the occasional swear word.

Via chapters such as “Your Brain is Your Bitch,” “Fear is for Suckers” and “My Subconscious Made Me Do It,” Sincero takes you on a wild joy ride to your own transformation, helping you create the money, relationships, career and general all around awesomeness you so desire. And should you be one of those people who would rather take a bullet than get busted with a self-help book in your hands, fear not. Sincero, a former skeptic herself, delivers the goods minus the New-Age cheese, giving even the snarkiest of poo-pooers exactly what they need to get out of their ruts and start kicking some ass.

By the end of You Are a Badass, you will understand why you are how you are, how to love what you can’t change, how to change what you don’t love, and how to start living the kind of life you used to be jealous of.

So…that’s what is on my reading list currently, but why stop there?  I’ve become so immersed in podcasts as of late.  And while I love a good true crime podcast, I have been directed to, or even discovered through my own hunting, some uplifting and amazing podcasts that I’ve been diving into at work as well.  These include:

  • Make Your Body Work: Live Healthier, Smarter, and Happier – Dave Smith, Canada’s Top Fitness Professional
  • Fit Bottomed Girls – Margo Donohue, Jennipher Walters, and Kristen Seymour
  • The Love, Food Podcast – Julie Duffy Dillon, Registered Dietitian, Food Behavior Expert, and Body Image Guru
  • Body Kindness – Rebecca Scritchfield, RDN

I really need to think more about working toward my nutrition degree or becoming a dietician.  I love learning new things and also…learning how to be kinder to myself during these very trying, often stressful times as I attempt to get this body back to a place where I feel comfortable with it.

AND…I have been out to the movies and had to see, because…reasons, WONDER WOMAN.  It was campy and fun and amazing and everything that it needed to be.  I was nicknamed Wonder Woman years ago by my running store/group…so this was a must see.  And if you haven’t seen it yet…I highly recommend it!

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I have numerous more movies on my TO SEE list…so we’ll see how many I manage to get through before they leave theaters.

So…that’s what I’ve been up to lately.  And yesterday, I broke out my Vitamix and whipped up an amazing smoothie for breakfast that I’ll share the recipe for in a different entry.

What books/podcasts/music/television shows have you been enjoying lately?  I want to hear all about them.  Comment below!!  I’m always looking for new things to get into!

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